Only getting worse...

So being the Miss Do-it-Yourself that I am, I had imagined that I could try to slay these PTLS symptoms on my own.... Wrong! I have only gotten worse... My OB now feels that I have thyroid disease as well as PCOS.. Why didn't I undo this last year when I had a chance?

Why, why, why?

I felt guilty for even thinking about using so much money on myself, and I have been struggling with whether to have another one... Of course the thought of having another one thrills me(and DH) but.. Am I being selfish? Is it a good choice? Why should I try again when so many struggle to just have one?

On the other hand, the sweet baby would be loved and cherished and well taken care of. When I had my tubes tied I was only 23... Too young. Now the maternal instincts are kicking in, where there is a longing for planning for a baby and going thru the whole journey, where as before it seemed like having kids was something that just happened, and kept happening. Please don't get me wrong I cherished my pregnancies and was always in awe of the whole experience. But here I am near my thirties and not only am I miserable suffering from these PTLS symptoms,
but the Desire to have another is very strong.

So we are going to do it! Unless something unforeseen arises, I am getting my tubes untied!!!!

A Little About Us!

My husband and I met at a friend's party....You know the story, Our eyes met, and there was that undeniable chemistry. We didn't get together right away, but we did flirt our way thru the year or so until we did ;) . We got married 18 months later in September 2002, 2 weeks after the birth of our first child, Our son, Dedrick II. Motherhood was astonishing to me from the very beginning..Hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time made this joy deep inside me bubble forth, and yes, I cried like a baby! I enjoyed the whole experience of being pregnant, even the bad, because I knew it was for a beautiful purpose, to bring a baby that was made from so much love into this world..I was in labor for 36 long, long, long hours! Once I had my baby in my arms though, I was oblivious to all I had just went through. I held my baby and just looked at him, thats all I remember, though there was noise all around me I was conscious only of my baby and I. I love being a mother, and it is one of my biggest accomplishment. We went on to have 3 more precious babies, Layla 6, Ariyanna 4, and Dominic 3. I am a stay at home mommy, and I love taking care of my children. I am learning as I go, as my own mother was not the best example...

After the birth of our son Dominic, I had my tubes tied. We felt that this was a wise choice, as advised by loved ones..After my tubal I noticed i had worsening PMS symptoms, but just decided that it was not so bad, and I tried to focus on enjoying the new baby and the other children to the full. About 15 months later, though, I started to experience what I'll call a mental and emotional breakdown..I started feeling emotion extremes constantly it seemed, One moment I was Thinking about my abusive childhood, and the problems in my marriage, and I wanted to end it all, I felt that everyone in my life would be better off without me. The next I was so angry, the next i was just numb, like I was drugged and floating through life...I couldn't get anyone to understand what i was going through, and I didn't feel like anyone cared. My behavior was changing, though I didn't realize how much until months later when I began to feel better..This was the worst time in my life...My marriage was on the rocks...Because of me..That alone was unbelievable to me, as I love my hubby VERY much. We went though a brief separation(a week), which seemed to jolt me back to reality...I was thinking Whoa! What just happened, was that really me that caused that much damage and pain those last few months? We talked things out and things were much much better between us, the best they had ever been... Everything was back to normal....

Then I began experiencing severe pains on my left side, and had what seemed like two cycles a month for a couple of months, and then back to one a month but it would be very very light..During this time I had begun to feel movement is my abdomen...I took pregnancy tests-negative-. The pain continued and the other symptoms intensified...I decided to got to the emergency room(without insurance), and after a ultrasound that they didnt want my mother to sit in on, they said nothing was wrong..Though in my heart I felt i had an ectopic pregnancy from all the symptoms...A month or so later I rushed back to the emergency room with chest pain and severe heart palpitations....Imagine my surprise, when after the exam, which of course they found nothing wrong, The nurse asks me, " So how did they treat the ectopic pregnancy when you were here last time?"...What? "Yea it says on your chart that you were diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy when you were here last". Wow! So I was right! I knew my body was going thru something! My emotions were mixed, all those that said I was exaggerating and that i just wanted another kid, were wrong, and here was proof! Then there was the extreme sadness.. I felt that I had killed my child, by getting this procedure done I had killed my baby! It wasn't supposed to go this far, the doctor said so, they said it prevented pregnancy! It was then that I wanted to have another baby, to make up for the one I had killed, to make things right.

I started looking on the internet for symptoms women experience after tubal ligation, I was shocked at what I found! PTLS...Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome...I was so glad that I was not the only one going through this pain and anguish, mentally and physically, at the same time, sad that so many other women were also going throught this , and some even worse than what i was experiencing...The hubby and I talked about it, nothing was decided, we just kinda digested it...Whenever I would add a new symptom to the list or feel like mush we would talk about it again. Finally we decided to do it..I am going to get my tubal reversed! I am so happy to know that I will one day feel like myself again, to feel like a woman. Some would say that I'm crazy to want another child...We feel though to have my "reproductive powers" restored and have another child would only increase our joy in life..My husband loves kids and told me that it didnt matter to him how many more we have as long as we can support them....One more is fine with me, lol, but that kinda support is really what I need right now. I love him so much! He has made this pain so much more bearable for me, why wouldn't I want to have another beautiful Baby with him!